I’m sitting here in the place it all began for me… I’m almost 30 years old now. I was just a little kid then. Years of failed adoptions and group homes behind me, just a scared little boy who needed love yet didn’t know what that even looked like. I knew rejection and pain, aggression and drain. I built up walls and never let anyone in. Nobody could be trusted.My parents, well, lets just say life was a bit harsh in way more ways than one… I was a hellion! I used to get into so much trouble. Fighting, cursing and stealing. I was one stupid kid. I’d even fight the teachers. One time, the kids in elementary school wouldn’t let me play basketball so I climbed up to the backboard and sat on the rim so no one could play. When I got down Mr. King, a teacher with a really weird lip he got from a car accident, put me in a head lock n I told him, “Get off me you limp lipped Mothafu*#*!” I got into so much trouble.
In junior high, I was off the wall. I was fighting all the time. My dad’s name was literally on the principal’s speed dial. My mother about had a nervous breakdown cause the school kept calling. My dad told them to never call the house again. They were instructed to only call my dad’s office.
I kinda chilled out in high school though. I’m not sure why. I think I just reached a point where I knew if I acted like that, socially, I would be an outcast. I feared rejection the most. The thought of being rejected by everyone messed my head up. So, I tried. However, I had no clue how. I was so used to keeping people out. I tried sports. I was pretty good at whatever I set my mind to. I was a UCA All Star cheerleader. I was a pretty good gymnast, a good enough one to impress you. I was big so I had a reputation for being very tough but in fact I hated violence. I still do. I think it’s dumb. Except for sports though. That’s apart of the game. I was the one trying to break up the fights in high school, especially when the race wars were happening between the hippy soccer team and the African-Americans. It was said that the class of 1997, my class, was the worst class to ever go through State High. I was friends with both sides of this, so called, war by this point in my life. I began to get good at getting people to like me. I had my first girlfriend. You know how that went. We broke up and still see each other around town from time to time. That seems to happen when you’re a townie.
Mid way through high school I had to switch and increase dosages of a new medication. I guess the doctor felt that my ADHD was now being manifested as Bi-Polar Disorder. They started to give me mood stabilizers. These meds were important to take in consistency, which was a problem for me because I had a tough time remembering to take my meds. That had always been the case. This time would be different though. It would be potentially deadly.
I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was the homecoming dance of my senior year. The prior summer I was introduced to Mary Jane. Yes, Marijuana. Weed, pot, ganj, smoke, dope, skunk, sticky, nuggs, but you can’t forget… Mary Jane! My meds n weed didn’t mix. I was 18 so I felt I could do anything I wanted. My meds became real slack. I had a girlfriend at the time. Her name, ironically, was Kris, Kristyn to be exact. She was my first love. We lost our virginity to each other. For me this first encounter had sparked a quest of sexual encounters experimenting in the art of sex, as I would call it. Some would say that it worked out well for me on a sexual side but my thought is that, not only was the morality of it, appalling at best, I feel I began to cheapen myself through these experiences. I guess what I mean to say is that the pleasure of it was short lived. Truth be told, in the long run, totally not worth it. The things you will do when you think you are in love…
I love the Christin I am with now with everything I have. However, I can guarantee you that I will not engage in any type of sexual intercourse with her unless we are blessed with a wedding night. She won’t even let me kiss her! She is so worth waiting for though. She is so gentle, yet tough at the same time. Ahh! We’ll talk more about her later!
Kris and I had broken up and I thought it was because of another guy. I cried and pleaded. Rejection… Wall… Undo wall bit by bit… Pain… Rejection… I had no clue how to deal with it. Bi-Polar was rearing it’s ugly head because of the lack of meds. I was a true danger to myself and to others. At the dance, I punched the kid that I thought she was messing with. I think I broke his jaw or something. I’m not sure though. Something was wrong with his jaw though. Anyway, the police got to me and I started talking suicidal which is ridiculous because I can’t even fathom the thought of hurting myself. I even have a major fear of needles! I hate when I have to get my blood levels checked now. They take all this blood just to tell me I’m cool. Sometimes those test are helpful though. They have recently avoided some major stuff. Meds n those tests are a constant for me now. I can’t let that one slip. Too much is at stake. Getting back to my story… What ensued was a 45 minute long fight between 7 State College police officers and myself. I ended up in the Meadows Psychiatric Center over that one.
At this point my parents had kicked me out of their house. I can see why they did and agree with them in the decision yet I still have an issue with it. It just goes to show that I still don’t have it all together. I was in an apartment by myself in University Terrace, an apartment complex that is right off of University Drive in State College. I was a senior in high school and had two 23-year-old roommates. That place was party central! Frat parties, drugs, girls, booze, and my first tattoo...
My tattooing has never stopped. I doubt it ever will. I see my body as a canvas. It is a work of art. God said that we are beautifully and wonderfully made. I truly believe that. He created art. He created us and we, inside and out, are an intricate work of art that holds a beauty that is incomprehensible to me.
Things got really bad during this time. I started doing some really illegal activities. I ended up in the county jail for the first time. However, it was at this point that I was introduced to Jesus in a very personal way.
Enter Steve Kohl… He himself was Bi-Polar. I say was, because the disorder got to him. He killed himself. Steve was a former coke (that’s cocaine for you that don’t know) lawyer from South Florida. That man did enough coke to kill a small horse! The drug cartels would pay him in coke and guns. You should have seen his gun collection. He had some insanely crazy stuff but he had some real antiques too. He was a cool guy. He was the youth pastor of Calvary Baptist Church and was the first person, ever, to preach the real Jesus to me. My buddy introduced me to him and that’s when I met Dan Nold. Pastor Dan became like a father to me at this point. To this day Dan has treated me like a son, even when I have screwed up insanely bad. Even through a 5 year prison sentence.
Now, I was raised in the Methodist church but never in all my years there heard that Jesus, the Son of the Most High God that created you and me, died a horrible death for me in order that I might have a right relationship with and be one with the Most High because of an inherent separation from Him due to rife sin. To top this, He wanted to have a relationship with me of all people.
Don’t get me wrong; at the age of 13, at a Methodist church camp, I felt a calling to ministry. I had no clue who Jesus was at this point but I knew I was gonna be a reverend. I didn’t even know what that meant other than that I would preach and marry people. But, I never heard about this kind of Jesus that Steve and Dan were talking about. It’s a shame isn’t it? Sadly, a lot of our kids, today, are enduring the same thing. They need to hear of this message of Jesus before they slip by and like that… Poof… Their gone…
I began to straddle the fence of Christianity. In a lot of ways, I feel I still do the same at times. I had gotten engaged to a lovely woman. Smart, pretty, awesome personality. Her name was Valerie. Her parents quickly took me in and guided me in our faith as best they could. They became Mom and Dad. Only they were my spiritual Mom and Dad. In the years since I first met them we have grown extremely close and they have taken me in like a son and I as parents. They were and are true models of unconditional love.
I ended up going to state prison for 5 years. They were five long years. The first 2 were the worst. I spent a year and a half in the hole for fighting. All at the same time I was preaching (silently, in my mind) and taking classes for Moody Bible Institute’s BS degree in biblical studies and teaching bible study on the block. I was so back and forth. I think I never realized that God could keep me safe so I fought for my security. I can remember when I had an epiphany. I was in the visiting room with my sister Nichole and I saw tears in her eyes as she left. It broke my heart. Here was this little girl going through hell and her brother, whom she loves dearly, was in prison and she couldn’t see him cause he was always in the hole. It never dawned on me that my behavior was hurting other people. I made a choice right then to change.
June 22, 2002…
After seeing my sister cry, I ended up in the hole again. Only this time, for something I didn’t do. I was in my cell raging at God. Where was the justice in this? How could He let this happen? Does He really love me? I sharpened up my toothbrush and was preparing to cut my wrist and end my life. Just then, I thought of what I would write to my sisters to say goodbye. My sisters are my heartbeat! I love them more than life itself. I collapsed and started bawling like a baby. That was the closest I had ever come to suicide. I was going to do it. I thank God that He intervened. Right at that moment I felt God say, “This is how far you are away from Me!” It was loud as day. Very gently he began to show me the areas in my life that weren’t very good and pleasing to Him. Yet He also showed me the good that had been progressing as well. My next words saved my life, “Here I am! Everything I have is Yours. Do with me what You will. I don’t care how far down You need to take me or how high You bring me, I’m Yours.” Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord to Thee…
This began a 3-year period of my life that was totally concentrated on Him. I was transferred to SCI Dallas from SCI Coal Township. It was at Dallas that I met my best friend, mentor and pastor all in one person, Tamboura. Tam has to be one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I studied under him for 3 years being taught from Greek. Word by word, verse by verse he taught me. Once a week for 2 hours we studied the book of Romans and I would meditate on it and ponder it for the rest of the week asking God if this was what He truly meant. It took us 2 ½ years to get from Romans 1 to Romans 12! I learned more about my faith in that time than I have ever learned before that or since. It laid the foundation of my faith. I learned more about who I was and who I wanted to be at that time than any as well. I learned what it meant to be a Jesus follower and what it meant and looked like to be the true church. I was challenged constantly both intellectually and in my behavior as a man of God. I began to rekindle my passion with music and allow God to begin to develop me as a musician and worship leader. Man was I blessed! I hated leaving and seeing Tam fade into the distance. A man that I loved and I knew loved me. My true brother, a man after God’s own heart. I rejoice with him now that we are reunited. We share a lifetime bond. One that is as tight as David and Jonathan.
I got out of prison on July 25th, 2005. Talk about freedom! I ate an Egg McMuffin like I was eating a Kobe steak. It was so good! It was a fearful time though. I was coming back to a town where I grew up in as a kid. State College changed a lot in those 5 years. Places where I used to ride my bike were now housing developments. All kinds of new restaurants were erected while older ones that had town flavor were now all but dinosaurs, if not extinct. One of the worst things was that I had to face a congregation that I had slapped in the face.
When I got locked up, I was on the mission board of Calvary and I was involved in youth ministry. If you had looked in the dictionary under hypocrite, you would have seen my face. I feared Sunday. I got out on Wednesday. I was to speak in front of the whole church not only to publically apologize but I was asked to tell them what God had been doing in my life. Bill Saxton introduced me, as he had been my spiritual advisor over that past 5 years. When I got up there, I was fine though. I was embraced by Calvary, by both the new and old people who attended. Calvary’s mission was right in line with what the church truly is. A church that seeks to reach beyond its walls to the community around it and to embrace them like Jesus would have.
By January, I was on staff with Calvary as a youth ministry apprentice. I was blessed to have an 18-month long internship with Calvary. There were ups and downs. I relapsed once yet Dan, like the father he is, stuck by my side. He was now coupled with many others like Jim Yates, Kurt Powers, Lois Abdelmalek and Erica Young.
ThirdPlace’s ministry was vital to my success. Had it not been for the relationships that I built within that circle of friends, I would have been totally lost if not dead.
My internship was a success in that, I discovered my passion in life and also can see how God has intricately weaved me together for this passion and purpose. I loved to see how God shaped me to counsel people. It is so rewarding to see the change in a person’s life and to know that you played a part in that. Your submission to God allowed a person to be healed even if only in part. It’s an awesome feeling!
Sunday, May 18, 2008, 3:03am…
I am still sitting here in the place where it all started for me here in State College, Pennsylvania. Aside from a trip to The Diner to charge my computer, I have been writing this since 10:00pm. That’s 5 hours of writing! I have been here in Spring Creek Park, at the pavilion by the covered bridge. I’m thinking about the 4th of July. A buddy of nine, Doug Tubbs, who is an awesome man of God and role model to me, asked me to watch his Labrador Retrievers, Utah and Savannah, for a week over the 4th of July. I am excited about that.
The 4th of July is a key time for me in my life. As a child, I used to get grounded every 4th of July. I would get so excited for the fireworks but didn’t know how to display it properly then I would get punished, stuck in my room with my face plastered against the glass to get a glimpse of the fireworks. I never really did see much. You have to be in the right spot at Spring Creek Park. My house was up the hill too much. Spring Creek Park was my back yard. We used to go creek stomping and exploring. All our deep exploration is now Clover Highlands (A housing development)! We were kids…
The first ThirdPlace function I was at was the 4th of July picnic at Neil Baril’s house on Sheller’s Bend. It was when I met key people that would usher me through a very dark time in my life. People like Esli Feliz, Matt Rooke, Woolton Lee, Neil Baril and I would also reconnected with old friends like Tommy Frey and Matthew Heinz.
I remember that Matt Rooke shot a bottle rocket right past Woolton’s ear. They had never met before! It was kinda funny actually. ThirdPlace has been an oasis for me. The relationships and friendships are lifelong. You pour into people as they pour into you. Totally Awesome! I gotta send a shout out to my girl “Little Lois Lane” Abdelmalek for selflessly letting herself be used by God to create such an awesome ministry. He works through you girl! You touch people’s lives Lo and I love ya! Thanx for taking care of Christin too :)
Seriously though, the 4th of July is a pivotal time for me. I came here tonight to smoke a stogie and in the midst of walking around I realized that on this 4th of July, I will have 2 great dogs to care for and lots of friends to share that with! It goes way beyond dogs and a date in time though. I am faced with some serious change. I am in the process of moving to Denver, Pa for a job with my roommates’ company. Dustin is an amazing guy with a great heart and I’m gonna help him start his company. Well, kinda… I’m gonna be the one messing with the machines and helping set it up. I do whatever he wants me to. Again, another ThirdPlace relationship! I met Dustin through Matt Rooke, who became my roommate as a result of a ThirdPlace relationship. Sweet huh?!
I have a great woman in my life that loves me. I am madly in love with her! She is so beautiful! :) She will be moving down in the same area. I am anxious to meet her parents in September. I hope they like me.
What I realized even more as I stood on the basketball court on this moonlit night was that, I have conquered this part of my life. What I mean to say is that God has blessed me with so much grace and love, I’ve been able to rise above and be somebody. I don’t know what His plan looks like but I am excited to see it. I began playing in this park as a scared, wounded little child. I leave as man. I can come here on the 4th of July with Doug’s dogs, knowing that in a month or so I can get my own Lab. I’ve wanted a dog for years!
I can maybe start a family and have some kids with the girl of my dreams and do for them what few people did for me as a child, love them unconditionally no matter what. Guide them and cheer them on. Protecting them by laying myself down, with Jesus at my side, to the will of the Father, in submission to Him as He reveals His plan bit by bit. I better strap in! It’s gonna be a great ride! I still have a long way to go but I am proud of the man God has made me and I am excited for the future. Well, I must go. Till next time…
RJ Riesterer
